The beginning of the End (my first love’s loveletter) January 28, 2008

Year: 1993 (Fall), Junior year of high school
Same-day view: Oh my God, he feels the same way I do! Euphoria, feeling lighter then air, butterflies, can barely sleep because of the excitement – this letter reinforces all of it. The possibilties are endless and all is right with the world… this is how you feel when your secret crush crushes you back 🙂
Hind-sight view: I still love this letter because I still remember how it made me feel so amazing. Just like a song, or a smell that can bring you back to an incredible (or painful) place in your past, this letter reminds me of the excitement of young (and very naive) love…

(Need to set up some backstory here: You need to read the previous love letters to appreciate the saga that will unfold through these next segments of letters. Daniel’s best friend Aaron, who ended up reluctantly dating my best friend Jackie for about 2 1/2 months the year prior (didn’t work out between them), he went off to college without even saying good-bye to either of us (dick). Aaron calls me about a month into college to apologize for such a jerk move, I scoff at him but take his apology and then ignore him. He continues to call though, I think he is lonely at college and I am damn good at conversation so he calls every now and then to chat – the calls get longer and more frequent and before you know it, much more personal and deep. I try not to read into it but I can tell that I am starting to have a crush on Aaron but try to call myself crazy and talk myself out of it. But, then a conversation takes place and Aaron blurts out that he is starting to view me as more then just a conversational buddy – I burst out with a bunch of babble I have been holding in for about a month that I feel the same way… boy did it feel great! But, there is a caveat – I worry about what my best freind Jackie will think about this turn of events between Aaron and I. I try to rationalize that they dated for a short period over a year ago and they ended up aquantinces…but it still nags at me. This is the letter that is a result of that conversation… enjoy). 

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Letter 3 Begin:

Dear LLG,

This is your good friend Aaron at college. This is not my original letter, but a new and improved version. Because of our most interesting conversation last night. From now on don;t worry about my phone bill. It doesn’t concern me. If it did I wouldn’t call. I just wanted to let you know how I feel about this whole situation between us. I would give anything for this to work out for us. Ever since I met you I felt that. I just didn;t know how you felt, so I never said anything.
I feel that you are what I have been looking for, and I’m not going to let Jackie get in the way of that for me. For you it may be a different story. But you shouldn’t let anyone or anything get in teh way of what you want, ever. Whether it be a boy, or something else you want. I want to be with you. Remember our conversation about finding perfection in a guy/girl? I found it in you. You’re caring, freindly, easy to talk to, beautiful, intelligent, and trusting. To me that’s what I need, someone like you. I want this to work out  and I can’t stop thinking about you. I also want to see you before Christmas. I’m just happy that you feel the same way.
Anyway, that’s how I feel so on to better things. Tomorrow’s my Mom’s birthday and Daniel’s too! So I have to get them both cards or give them a call or something. That’s really all I have to say right now. I told you everything else last night. So I guess this is good night for now. Don’t change…

Love,
Aaron

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Subtext: You will see in future letters how quickly the tides turn and how he starts contradicting many of his words in this very letter… stay tuned for the next installment!

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Lost Love Letter 2: Are you F*!@ing kidding me??? January 8, 2008

Year: 1993, Sophmore year of high school
Same-day view: Hooked like heroin at this point on Daniel, but this letter keeps mentioning the words “CATHY” (not my name) and “GIRLFRIEND” (and I know he sure as hell hasn’t been calling ME that!) Hmmm, let me read through this letter again, and again, and again… maybe I am missing something?
Hind-sight view: Stupid, stupid & more STUPID female (me) is in denial that I have just been played like a fiddle by Daniel for almost 3 months. His actions towards me have been less then “innocent” and his ploy to have his cake and eat it too has worked – what the hell was wrong with me??!!! I was a walking cliche! And Daniel… what an A-HOLE, trying to disguise his true motives through a crappy letter peppered with compliments within an even crappier story-like format. God, even I want to punch myself after reading this 15 years later!!!

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Letter 2 Begin:

Dear LLG,

We have talked alot lately, but I have not been very up front about anything so far, have I? I’m kinda in a jam about something. Well, I know that you know that I have a girlfriend. Yet, you’ve probably noticed that I have never mentioned her, and you probably know nothing about her. Let me tell you a story:

Once upon a time there was this guy that met this girl name Cathy. He asked her out and they started to date. Four months went by. Their relationship was not much, yet the guy was always jealous of Cathy being with and having a lot of guy friends. Yet they got into a pretty big fight, and I guess you can say they started to love eachother. They saw eachother everyday on the weekends and talked hours on the phone.
Over the summer the love bewteen them grew very much, they both had the best summer of their lives. Both of them were very happy with eachother and everything went great. Even though Cathy was very nice to the guy, the guy did not return as much that was given. He was in a sense very selfish, and came close to losing two best friends for her. Alot went on through that summer, but as soon as the school year came, it seemed that the love was slowing down. The guy was still mean to her some of the time, always wanting to get his way. She loved him I guess so much that he did get his way. But then one day this guy has a chorus concert. This girl named LLG comes up to him and says that she loves his tie. The guy has trouble sleeping that night because of the LLG. But as a couple of days passed, he forgot about her. But then another day he is reminded of her when she makes fun of the way he walks. The guy knew he was attracted to her very much, but he still felt he couldn’t abandon his girlfriend. Then one day, LLG and her friend Jackie, ask him to go bowling. At first the guy was very scared, but wanted to go very badly. He had a great time and that memory stayed in his mind much stronger than the memory of his girlfriend when he went north to Canada. But again, he knew knew that he had to forget about her again, yet he couldn’t. When he got back he got into a scuffle with his girlfriend, because of the fact that I was ignoring. So this guy turned his ways and stayed with his girlfriend and again tried to fix their relationship. It worked but then he got in a spot where you probably don;t want to be, but I can’t get you out of my head! I really want to get to know you, but I just want you to know where I am coming from. If I had never met Cathy, I would have asked you out Monday, but I am in love with her. Is that alright with you? I really can’t wait till we go sledding/movie. Can you give me a call and tell me what you think, “you little sex-maniac”(footnote here: this was an inside joke, we were NOT, I repeat NOT having sex lol) If you have any questions, just ask me ok?

Thank you for the little letter you gave me and I hope I got a chance to have seen you today (Thursday). And thanks again for everything you have done for me, Arby’s dinner, cotton candy, your presence, your back massage, your back massage, your back massage! Well, hope to hear from you soon!

Love Always –
Daniel

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Um, there are so many things that I laugh about and cringe at all at the same time. My favorite line out of the whole thing “…but I am in love with her, is that alright with you?” Uhhhhh, NO! Your lines of saying that things weren’t really “working out with your girl”, your hardcore flirting, your tender touches and excessive compliments, talking on the phone for hours, going out ALL the time, and intermittent kissing DOES NOT MAKE THAT ALRIGHT WITH ME!!!!! But I think back then I was still hoping against hope that he would ditch his girlfriend… ahhhhhh, the naivete of youth, it’s a beautiful (and idiotic) thing right?

So what defines teenage love anyways?! January 4, 2008

Well welcome to my first and only blog. I was inspired by a friend who currently runs 2, (YES!) 2 blogs, and honestly, I felt like a lazy lackey who wasn’t with it, so I broke down, came to wordpress and now, here I am. I was trying to think about what I would write, and then I realized I couldn’t really be an introspective writer because honestly, I think my blog would be too damn depressing and there are already plenty of depressing blogs out there. Also, I live by 3 mantras in my life and one of those mantras is “Never write anything that you couldn’t have read over public radio”. So my 3rd mantra pretty much killed any possibility about a true to life, brutally honest, online diary. Who wants to hear any of that stuff from me anyways? I only converse with myself about those intimate things, so why would anyone else care much, right? The voices in my head are confirming that I am right, so just trust me on this one ok? 🙂

So after thinking very long and hard (for about 10 minutes or so) I said, “Why write about my own intimate thoughts when I could just take the easy way out and write about someone elses???” This thought, mixed with a recent top to bottom scrub down of my house where I re-discovered a bunch of love letters from past boyfriends (most over 15 years old, some around the 10 year range), has born this most un-original of blogs… the LOST LOVE LETTERS BLOG.

After reading a few of the letters, I kept thinking about how funny the shit sounded… and also how hind-sight is always 20/20. But at the same time, I was still very touched (and I will admit, a bit excited) by the way I was admired in these letters, even if they were kind of ridiculous sounding 15 years later. There is obviously a reason I saved these stupid things in the first place, and I am sure there are millions of others like me (both men AND women) that do the same – you stash your beloved letters somewhere with the rest of your cards, prom pictures, yearbooks and ticket stubs of days gone by, and in the beginning, you lovingly re-visit these little pieces of memories to hold on to the best and worst times of your youth… but before you know it, you visit less and less until you finally move somewhere and pack all that stuff into another box that then gets pushed to the corner of your closet or attic. Then, after a while, you forget all about them, those little pieces of paper that brought you so much emotion, admiration and extended series of quickened heart beats. But now you have stumbled upon this little piece of cyberspace real estate! Ahhh, yes… this is where the Lost Love Letter blog will save you from your forgetfullness 🙂

Now, I will be sharing with you a stash of letters I re-discovered over the holidays and with each letter I post, will give some background along with some 20/20 hindsight I have since gathered. I warn you here and now my friends, letters from high school do not always fall under the perfect guise of a “Love Letter” but all in all, they include flattery and that was enough for me to view it as a love letter way back when. So come along with me on a journey through my youth via some scribing by the boys who once called me “girlfriend” (or mistress?) and in the interim, go try and find your lost love letters that you have pushed into the back of your closet or attic… I am sure that once re-discovered, you will still get that same giddy feeling you once had when you were young and naive as I was…

The first letter will be posted momentarily – if you find any letters that you would like to share, please feel free to send them along. I was not THAT popular or THAT much of a hussy, so my stash of love letters will run out soon! Thanks for visiting and hope to see you around!

P.S. You will notice that I am not necessarily a skilled writer … I won’t have a cleverly concocted script that ties everything nicely together or always be able to relate back to the title of the posting (as you can see with this exact post here) so I apologize in advance!

Lost Love Letter 1: Can this even be considered a love letter?

Year: 1993, Sophmore year of high school
Same-day view: Shy, yet horny, female (me) is hot to trot for an older (Junior), sweet, cute as hell boy. Older boy (let’s call him Daniel) is best friends with another boy (let’s call him Aaron) that my best friend (let’s call her Jackie) is hot for and is also trying to date. Start hanging out (all 4 of us), Dave willingly participates in flirty banter, then I find out he has a girlfriend (but hear from Aaron that the relationship is on the rocks and he is really interested in me).
Hind-sight view: Shy, yet stupid & horny, female (me) is hot to trot for two-timing, indecisive, cute as hell boy with mad skills for stringing shy, yet stupid & horny, female along. I am an idot for even participating in flirty banter with someone who potentially has a girlfriend – I’m an ignorant BITCH in stereotypical denial! (Note: we never did anything more then kiss a little bit)

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Letter 1 Begin (grammar has not been modified):

Dear LLG (I just learned your last name when I brought you to your house) – –
Well this is volume #2 of your installment! I really don’t know what to say – We’ve talked alot  on the phone, we see eachother at least briefly almost everyday, and I think we get along very very well – what do you think? I got to tell ya, that when you layed on my lap, with your eyes closed, I must have stared at yah for the longest time! You are a very beautiful girl, and I especially love, looking in my rear view mirror and seeing you fixing your hair, and catch me looking at you, and giving me a little smile!!! (as you did today) The little things you do drive me crazy! (in a great way) I love learning things about you, & you doing the same about me. I am sorry if I am just rambling on, it is just I wanna tell you everything that is on my mind, even if it is just quick clips!
You probably want to know about my girlfriend. Well obviously, things bewteen us are going bad right now butit is my fault, I kinda act harsh towards her sometimes! But, I told her everything we did (excluding some minor parts). She was a bit upset but she understands that I do want to see others, and she won;t mind me going out with others just as long as I don;t like go and sleep w/ someone! If I am honest about it to her she understands.
I totally don;t mind, in fact, I LOVE, like you said, hugging me, holding my hand, etc. and especially your little kisses, and massages!!! I love laughing with you, at you, at me, and the whole 9 yards.
Well, actually what I am trying to say by all the little things that you do, is that I am growing fonder and fonder of you! Each time you look me in the eye a little longer, or each time you smile, I get a little hapier, and happier! When Im with you, like when we park to sit and talk, just the four of us, with no parents, no rules, no outside friends, just four people, just trying to be happy, I forget about any problems or things that are on my mind. I just find myself constantly lughing and smiling and saying, “she’s great”! I am very sorry that I don’t compliment you very much. Actually I would love always to tell you what I’m thinking, yet I’m scared. For example, when you were laying on my lap and I was just staring at your nose, lips, eyes, etc., I just wante dto whisper in your ear how beautiful you looked. Everytime I see you I want to tell you how nice your shirt is, or how nice your hair looks, or how hot you look! or how much I love to see you smile, but for some stupid reason I don’t, and I have to stockpile everything I’ve wanted to say in one of my volumes! LLG, I am very glad we’ve become good friends. Again, LLG, thank you for everything!

Love Always –
Daniel

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All I can say to this letter is “Wow, I was pathetic!” … but just wait till the next installation, it gets even better lol.